I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
