Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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