I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
