somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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