Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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