i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
