OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
