Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
