i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
