Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
