she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You made out with two different species that night
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
