We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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