I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
