How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
