literally had 100 drinks last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
