The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
