JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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