oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
