ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
