Apparently you make a good broom.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
