i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
