____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
