I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
