Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
