We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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