is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
