I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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