if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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