i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
