I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
