I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
