I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize