Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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