Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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