Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
