what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
