I think I won the penis lottery.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
