Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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