Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
