in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
