So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
