There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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