it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
