As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
