i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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