Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
