I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
