where am i from again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
God I need to hump something, right now.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
