I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
