The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
