my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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