i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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