Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
