I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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