Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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