I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
