You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
