Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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