It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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