I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize