i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
