Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
