I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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